Mastering the Moment

Moment of Transparency:

My struggle has been REAL for a while now.

Prior to moving back to Philadelphia, I kept seeing the numbers 555. I researched it. 
Found out it meant 'change' in some way.
Didn't pray much about the Change I was supposed to embrace.
Heard a lot of voices and opinions about me being back in Indiana and felt like I was SUPPOSED to move back. 
Still didn't pray. 
Moved to Plainsboro, NJ with two of my Sorors and travelled back and forth to serve with The Philadelphia Project and took on a service role for the summer as the Pastoral Care and moved to Philly.

All this time--I'm making NO money--living donation to donation, support to support or basically nothing at all.

I kinda half-ass the project because clearly, I'm doing too much with my life--but I feel like I'll try my best.

Had plans for a living situation and they fell through so I ended up thinking about going home--AGAIN. A friend let me stay in their living room and I've been there ever since.

Sleeping on the floor and on the couch is cool--for a while.

All the while I'm getting more tired. 
I'm not praying. 
I'm not prayiing. 
I'm guessing.
I'm making moves. 
I'm fake smiling
And fake packing light.

All the while I am also in Graduate school with a full load of courses. One of my courses I ended up with my lowest grade in the history of Grad school (C) and kept it pushing.

Fall semester starts and I not only picked up my job at Starbucks, but i'm now an intern for TiffyTalks and I'm still fake smiling, happy in moments, fake joying, singing in the praise team, and NOT SPEAKIN' TO GOD.

I'm getting to my point, y'all.

Now, I'm at the point where everytime I try to be productive--my head hurts. I'm tired. My body aches.

I'm actually dealing with ANXIETY. Like--what?

Then, I'm at Master Builders Church on NYE and the message is Be Anxious for nothing--but in all things through PRAYER AND SUPPLICATION let your requests be known.

I'm thinking--Why Didn't I just Ask? 
---
Right now, I have a solid $35 in the bank, I barely work at SBUX because, well, we're slow AND half the time I'm either irresponsibly giving up my hours because I'm trynna focus on school. I have 2 weeks to finish my internship and thesis, my phone got cut off this morning, right before I was going to go LYFT for some money and I leave to Chicago for the The Mystic Soul Conference tomorrow, and I'm really like

WHAT IN THE ENTIRE ***k am I doing with my life?

I laugh. 
Because in reality, it's crazy, funny, sad and joyful all in one.

I don't know why I felt the need to share that ENTIRE thing--I guess, I just wanted to to let yall know my life ain't all peaches and cream.
I'm out here straight up struggling. 
Being Human.
And contemplating going home--again lol. (I'm not though).

---
I guess, Now. 
I just wanna listen. 
To God. 
And learn.
Through this experience.

oh. And Pray.

Love yall.
Pack light. 
Be well.
Peace,
Sanovia